How to Use a Dating App: Lesson 1

Stand Out From the Crowd

Mar 29, 2024

One of the great mysteries of existence is the vast numbers of otherwise sensible and rational women who earnestly believe in astrology… or seem to

I’m not (yet) a ‘high-value’ man (in the parlance of Female Dating Strategy fanatics). I’m medium-height and decently physically attractive… but I’m still working my way out of debt and I must devote time every day to addressing substance use disorder and other mental health challenges. These struggles do not define me, and they’re not even particularly cumbersome… but it will realistically be 2-3 years before I will be able to buy a house and adequately support a family. I’m also 37, and while I am a pretty low-anxiety and quite fit individual I’ve already passed my physical prime. On the other side of the ledger, I am extremely smart and disciplined. I’m well-read and have a kind of sardonic self-assuredness, and have been told by people throughout my adulthood that I come off as particularly masculine and am a great conversationalist. If I try to peer through my own bias and the fog of delusion and self-regard (and insecurity) I would put myself somewhere in the top quintile (perhaps the second quintile) in terms of overall dating appeal. I would probably put myself in the bottom quintile (or second from the bottom) in terms of financial stability and criminal/mental health history.

I began using dating apps 6 years ago, after moving to Florida and undergoing a long inpatient rehab/therapy treatment. I’d left a girl I loved very much in the state I left, and I was single and, newly sober, looking for distraction and companionship. I’ve matched with MANY hundreds of girls on dating apps (Hinge is the only one I’ve used for years), spoken at length to maybe 300, first-dated around 30, and found 4 fulfilling long term relationships. I’m not going to subject you to the particulars of those connections, but they lasted between 2-14 months and they all ended amiably (most because of moving, or religion, or other external factors). I’ve been looking for a WIFE this entire time (although I’m grateful I didn’t find her 5 years ago… it wouldn’t have gone well) and I still am, but I still think that 4 decent and sustained relationships puts me in a high achievement category regarding dating apps.

Based on that metric, I will now dispense my advice, so that you can be more like me.

Note: I have no advice for men. I have never dated men and so have no idea what they do or don’t do. As far as I can tell their behavior is more or less perfect (perhaps not). Whether or not it needs correction I cannot say but I am not the man to come to for that specific guidance. My counsel is for the ladies exclusively.

Ladies: Get it Together

Lesson 1: Stand Out From the Crowd

If you’re a woman who is using a dating app, ask yourself: do you want a great long-term relationship? Now ask yourself: are you in one? No? Then you are failing, and it might be time to consider radical changes. Fortunately, you’ve found this post.

Dating apps have radically changed the landscape of relationship-formation and mate-selection and it will take awhile for some of its lessons to become folk wisdom… but I will hazard a few that I think I’ve learned:

Dating apps primarily benefit attractive men interested in variety, not women (for the most part) or unattractive men. For those groups dating apps have probably made the task of finding a mate harder.
Having a series of serious romantic relationships can make a person more self-aware and comfortable with the ordeals of meeting and dating and personal presentation but they also incur a cost: there is a kind of lingering sadness accrued through having gilrlfriend after girlfriend (or partner after partner). The data seems to hint that this general ambient unhappiness is worse for women (although it could only be correlative and not causative). Humans are meant to find their people and spend their lives together, not ambulate around an infinite salad bar of human variety. Humans are generally ‘monogamish’, but I’m not just talking about mating here. Meeting people, texting, falling out of touch, and repeating is a deeply unnatural and palpably unfulfilling way to spend your time.
The lack of stakes and the endless array of choices on Hinge (and any other popular app) provoke choice paralysis and bleed the magic and spontaneity out of meeting someone. Who cares if a date doesn’t go well? If you’re a not-ugly and not-too picky woman you can go on a date every night if you want (which sounds awful). Just as an endless sequence of willing employers would remove the stress of performance and learning from a job, and provoke bad behavior in many employees an endless series of willing dates creates a great deal of apathy and inconsideration.
Women have, for the most part, not learned to operationalize dating apps to accomplish their romantic goals. Women control access to sex… men control access to relationships (this asymmetry is due to the varying goals and imperatives inherent to male/female biology and mating patterns). Many women are still running the cultural program from two decades ago: sit back, act somewhat coy, wait for men to make their approach, and then select from among your options. This is not a successful strategy in a world of dating apps. BOTH parties are trying to sift through the endless options and find a mate (ideally) and so both parties need to advertise what makes them an individual. Most women (probably more than 80%) use a very flippant and shallow rule-book when it comes to completing their profile: they find their best ‘active’ photos (photos of them near landmarks or on boats or whatever). If they’re especially desperate they might include 1 or 2 decidedly sexy photos. For the ‘profile’ section (the part where you answer questions about yourself) there are three possibilities, I think:
1. 95% of women are boring as hell
2. Most women do not know how to select personal details that will make them seem interesting and unique when completing their profiles; they are often interesting but the profiles fail to capture this
3. they are relying on their friends to help them complete their photos. Ladies: do not rely on your friends for advice about dating or communication. I understand that talking about such things is a bonding experience for women or something but let that be all it is. They often give terrible advice from what I can see. You would be better served in listening to their counsel and then doing the opposite of what they recommend (quietly, of course… not making a big deal out of it). I can’t tell you how MANY profiles say that the way to their heart is tacos (see below) or what they want to do is ‘travel’ or a hobby is ‘music’. These are non-facts. It would be as if I had to describe myself in 3 items and one of the facts I chose was ‘I’m bipedal’. Granted, most men do not read profiles but you’re not interested in those men! Your stated goal is to find commitment and personal compatibility and adult communication. If you rely on pretty photos and the fact that you enjoy tacos to define yourself and form the first impression do not be surprised when your matches are flooded with shallow and casual men.

So that is Lesson 1: STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD.

Consider what makes you an individual and try to reflect those things in the brief space allotted in the profile section. You WILL be contacted by men who have read your profile and find your details interested enough to provoke a conversation. All those men who ask ‘wyd?’ or tell you you’re pretty as opening shots can safely be ignored.

Chapter 2: Selection Bias & Chapter 3: The Importance of Being Earnest… (coming soon)

Men in competition with women have some considerable natural and social advantages… but in dating women’s selectivity (an evolved protection against being impregnated and abandoned, or wasting their eggs on unfit or dangerous men) is FAR higher than men’s and this selectivity gives women a great deal of leverage. In a true patriarchy (a society controlled by men through power for their benefit) women would essentially be slaves. Women are not slaves. In romance women have more than their share of influence and control, although they must navigate special risks and try to see their way through a crowd of (often dishonest) men.