James, I love your writing on this topic! It is so grounded in reality and truly asks what women (and men) are bringing to the table. Incredibly good writing that has lifted my spirits!
I met my husband online almost 24 years ago on a dating site (excite personals). I don't remember it being this complicated. I guess people weren't quite as shallow then because there was no instagram or tik tok. All I can say is thank God!
Personals sites had (I believe) a somewhat longer form format, where you could describe your interests and write descriptive paragraphs, and post some chosen photos. Dating apps began with Tinder, which was quickly overwhelmed by ‘hookup culture’ (predictably… it only included photos and a few key details about the user). Women quickly became exasperated and so alternative apps arose: Bumble, Hinge, etc. on these apps there’s still a disconnect between the priorities of many men and many women but there’s an additional wrinkle: most women seem to believe that advertising themselves as they do on Instagram or TikTok (vacations, drinks, waterfall photos) is the best way to find the ever-elusive Good Man. I think that’s a mistake. I’ve encountered a LOT of confused and disgruntled women out there. Just trying to help! 😂
I can't even remember what I put in my ad. I don't think it was super long. And I had no photos. I don't think a lot of them did. Digital cameras weren't a thing yet. And I couldn't afford a scanner, so...🤷♀️ Didn't seem to matter too much.
Part 3 will probably come out this week! Maybe 10% of THOSE responses led to matches (a smaller share to dates). I mostly maintain the same tone throughout though, and I haven’t had a lot of trouble getting dates. The trouble has been in finding committed and stable women, tbh. Women seem to be looking for ‘chemistry’, ignoring the facts that (1) they’re often in their 30’s and therefore cannot be as selective if they want to find mates and (2) chemistry and spontaneity are MURDERED by dating apps. I’ve met DOZENS of women in their 30’s who’ve been using apps for years-and haven’t found a relationship. Something is wrong with that scenario (just from a birthrate perspective) but telling women that they should rethink their romantic criteria or that their dating market value isn’t half what it was wouldn’t be productive or kind. The main problem is that women are CONTENT alone. Women used to pay a huge price in status for being spinsters, so as they got older they understood that their choices were narrowing and acted accordingly. That constraint is totally gone. They have their ‘good life’ and they’re searching for a 40-year old man who’s handsome, stable, never been married… yet really wants to be. Such men simply do not exist but women use a lot of magical thinking when it comes to romance: chemistry, fate, true love, soulmates, etc. These are constructs which allow people to avoid responsibility for making decisions (we just didn’t have chemistry 🤷🏻♂️) and avoid making changes to their behavior or assumptions. Women are pragmatic and ambitious when it comes to careers (the real focus of our culture) but when it comes to love they’re often shockingly childish.
James, I love your writing on this topic! It is so grounded in reality and truly asks what women (and men) are bringing to the table. Incredibly good writing that has lifted my spirits!
Wonderful to hear. Thank you. I’m working on Part 3.
I met my husband online almost 24 years ago on a dating site (excite personals). I don't remember it being this complicated. I guess people weren't quite as shallow then because there was no instagram or tik tok. All I can say is thank God!
Personals sites had (I believe) a somewhat longer form format, where you could describe your interests and write descriptive paragraphs, and post some chosen photos. Dating apps began with Tinder, which was quickly overwhelmed by ‘hookup culture’ (predictably… it only included photos and a few key details about the user). Women quickly became exasperated and so alternative apps arose: Bumble, Hinge, etc. on these apps there’s still a disconnect between the priorities of many men and many women but there’s an additional wrinkle: most women seem to believe that advertising themselves as they do on Instagram or TikTok (vacations, drinks, waterfall photos) is the best way to find the ever-elusive Good Man. I think that’s a mistake. I’ve encountered a LOT of confused and disgruntled women out there. Just trying to help! 😂
I can't even remember what I put in my ad. I don't think it was super long. And I had no photos. I don't think a lot of them did. Digital cameras weren't a thing yet. And I couldn't afford a scanner, so...🤷♀️ Didn't seem to matter too much.
2 questions:
How many of those troll answers led to dates?
Is there a part 3?
Part 3 will probably come out this week! Maybe 10% of THOSE responses led to matches (a smaller share to dates). I mostly maintain the same tone throughout though, and I haven’t had a lot of trouble getting dates. The trouble has been in finding committed and stable women, tbh. Women seem to be looking for ‘chemistry’, ignoring the facts that (1) they’re often in their 30’s and therefore cannot be as selective if they want to find mates and (2) chemistry and spontaneity are MURDERED by dating apps. I’ve met DOZENS of women in their 30’s who’ve been using apps for years-and haven’t found a relationship. Something is wrong with that scenario (just from a birthrate perspective) but telling women that they should rethink their romantic criteria or that their dating market value isn’t half what it was wouldn’t be productive or kind. The main problem is that women are CONTENT alone. Women used to pay a huge price in status for being spinsters, so as they got older they understood that their choices were narrowing and acted accordingly. That constraint is totally gone. They have their ‘good life’ and they’re searching for a 40-year old man who’s handsome, stable, never been married… yet really wants to be. Such men simply do not exist but women use a lot of magical thinking when it comes to romance: chemistry, fate, true love, soulmates, etc. These are constructs which allow people to avoid responsibility for making decisions (we just didn’t have chemistry 🤷🏻♂️) and avoid making changes to their behavior or assumptions. Women are pragmatic and ambitious when it comes to careers (the real focus of our culture) but when it comes to love they’re often shockingly childish.