Serenity > Self-indulgence

A Different Conception of Romantic Love

Is it possible that many women have been mesmerized by the shallow and conformist aspects of our culture, and are ignoring the true character of love and the true promises of age 30’s romance? Might they be waiting for something that will never arrive?

If you’re a man on a dating app today you will have noticed the one thing ALL women seem to love: travel. When given the opportunity, literally 90% of women will list this as among their favorite things. As in: “What is your goal for this year? Travel more”.

I also love to travel. I’ve visited 49 out of 50 states. I’ve travelled to 3 continents, including much of Europe. Some of the fondest memories are childhood trips to Central America, or college in Arizona. One of the most formative years of my life was a combat deployment to Afghanistan. I love travelling.

I draw a distinction between travel and touristing, and note that women almost always prefer the second. The kind of travel I prefer would involve long periods of solitude, and difficult physical endeavors, and months away from your old life, and even the risk of real danger or conflict. Each of these items is unappealing to women, and so when they say ‘travel’, they don’t mean months camping in Guyana, or moving to rural Montana to work on a ranch, or volunteering to fight in Ukraine. They mean flying to a different city and staying in a hotel and visiting a wildlife preserve and museums and restaurants: safe, comfortable, soft. This doesn’t apply to all women, of course (almost nothing does) but I think it applies to most.

I’ve asked women why they love to travel, and I must admit: their answers don’t make a lot of sense to me. I know better than to have searching and analytical conversations with most women. These kinds of exchanges require self-reflection and questions and objections. If you’re a woman, think about the last time someone told you that you might be wrong about something that you believed, or questioned why you felt a certain way about something. If this kind of conversation didn’t bother you then I salute you, but I suspect you’re in a minority. Most women don’t like being questioned and contradicted in this way. Women rarely have these kinds of conversations with each other (I’ve noticed) and men rarely have them with women-partly because we avoid upsetting women (out of politeness, or self-interest, or conflict avoidance). Women will sometimes be told only the things they want to hear by men, for a variety of reasons. The things they’re told rarely include: “I don’t think that attitude makes much sense.”

Women have told me that travel is “freedom” but it’s not. It’s expensive and rarely spontaneous and limited to pre-planned van routes and paid guides and Westerner-friendly city centers. It precludes most of the world’s inhabited areas. It’s not freedom.

Social desirability bias is especially strong in women. This means that when asked for their beliefs or preferences and the reasons, they will (unconsciously) bend their answers in order to conform them with prevailing values. Ask a woman what she’s looking for, romantically, and she will usually say “honesty, communication, commitment.” This despite that her past relationships were better defined by excitement and passion and unpredictability. Height, physical attractiveness, charisma, and wealth will rarely be mentioned, despite those being probably more important in toto to women when selecting mates. Social desirability bias. How many women have told you “I hate drama!” only to then gossip and argue with female friends? Some of them are being sincere and honest when they say this… but not all of them. Not even most. They know that “drama” is unappealing factor, and so they disclaim it. They do this even when they personally love drama. Social desirability bias. If you look for these features in the words and attitudes of women, you will find them everywhere. As I said, women are sometimes only told what they want to hear, in a way that only very powerful or wealthy men might be.

I have a different theory for why women like travel: it’s exciting. It’s not exciting in the way that I would seek excitement (risky, extreme, difficult). Rather, it’s engaging. It’s distracting. It’s fun. It’s self-indulgent. It’s a short venture into another reality, with interesting sights, and photos ops, and meetings, and food. There are pretty views and beautiful clothes and interesting buildings and it’s all (ideally) safe and easy and comfortable, in a way that actually makes these things slightly less interesting to men. Indulgence is not the perfect word for these kinds of experiences, but I think it’s apt. Self-indulgence.

Women have been taught and encouraged to focus on themselves and only on themselves. If you point out the drawbacks of that kind of life philosophy, you will generally only confuse people. How could focusing on everything I enjoy lead to an unhappy life? I’m not sure. Why don’t you try it?

I would just like to observe that no human society at any place or in any time has survived by emphasizing only what was good for the individual. That’s a recipe for solipsistic decay.

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There’s nothing wrong with self-indulgence, of course. But as a man in recovery from drug addiction I understand the drawbacks of self-indulgence better than most. Some impulses are darker than others, of course, but I think that focusing mostly on yourself and what you want and like and crave is a recipe for a shallow existence. This is a lesson which is anathema to our culture but if I’m correct then people are beginning to learn it.

Your life should be healthy and satisfying for you… but it shouldn’t just be about you. Historically people lived for themselves but also for their communities and groups-and families. These women do not have families (as in, they don’t have children, and a husband). Most of them want these things. (I don’t interact with women on dating apps unless they’ve made it clear that they want kids). This is encouraging-simply from the perspective of the national demographic profile-but a worryingly small number of women are achieving these things. I have been on perhaps 30 first dates and have had close to a dozen fulfilling relationships, all with beautiful and capable and honest women. I’ve been very lucky. There is one problem though.

I’ll write about the demographic dilemma elsewhere but it’s a huge and looming problem. It doesn’t accord with progressive priorities and so it’s rarely noted in the media or the academy (and women often bristle at its mention) but ignoring a problem rarely makes it go away.

Before I get into that I think it would be fitting for me to explain my stance on women: women are wonderful. Their primary purpose (biologically, and collectively) is to have children, and their secondary purpose is to raise them, either their own or the community’s, through parenting and mentoring and coaching and teaching and babysitting. This is a strangely unpleasant fact for contemporary feminists, but it is a fact. There is nothing that women do for our species or our societies that is more important or more irreplaceable having children. Women (I think) tend to be more honest, gentler, kinder, and more understanding than men. They also tend to be more risk averse, more anxious, and less competitive. They’re better at caring for patients and worse at fighting wars. They’re better at teaching children and worse at maintaining infrastructure. These are all generalizations, of course. Categorically, both sexes have their own functions and their own specializations, and while our society has eroded many of the distinctions (some of which us certainly good) that hasn’t undone 900,000 years of biological and cultural evolution. There’s a beautiful symmetry to our natural functions which is not exceeded by newer ideas of social construction. I desire women, and I love women-but I suspect that they might be nurturing some misapprehensions and some psychological tendencies that are serving them poorly in today’s strange and atomized culture (of dating apps, mostly).

I have come to believe this through my own experience. I remain open to the idea that I’m completely wrong here so if you believe that to be the case, please leave a comment. Unlike many women that I speak to I actually welcome criticism. I want you to question and critique my worldview.

Hype man? In the sense of being praised and validated-absolutely. Partner in roasting? No… I don’t think so.

Despite the common appearance of this kind of claim women do NOT like being roasted. A roast involves someone trying to point of the most ridiculous, deluded, and pathetic aspects of yourself (and we all have such attributes) and women on dating apps don’t enjoy being roasted. Trust me on this one.

EVERYONE wants to be praised and validated and affirmed. That’s human nature. Pretty women are rather less accustomed than most to not being praised and validated and affirmed though. This is not just a statement about personal character or personality. I rarely comment of those aspects of a person, especially a stranger. But I will push back on claims about ‘authentic selves’ or ‘instinct’ or ‘meant to be’ or that ‘everything happening for a reason’. I think that some women have assumed beliefs which remove any duty or obligation from themselves, and have come to believe doubtful things because they find them comforting, like:

1. they can tell which men are honest

2. their dating priorities should be equally important to men

3. true love will just happen

4. their friends are all pretty and appealing to men

5. men will change how they select mates based on disapproval or feedback

6. men care about women’s courage or careers or capability

7. it’s inappropriate for men to sexually desire women without getting to know them, and good men don’t do this

8. people’s impulses and desires should be affirmed

9. therapy is about happiness

10. happiness is the goal of life, and the measure of a good life

11. judging people quickly is wrong

12. everything is meant to be

13. everything will all work out in the end

14. everyone is basically equal or disparities = unfairness, of some kind

15. it’s “society” (racism, abuse, etc.) that makes people bad

16. socially unfashionable ideas are all a priori wrong

17. feelings are a good guide to reality

Really? Therapy taught you to prioritize yourself BEFORE ANYONE ELSE?

The beliefs above are comforting notions. I can see why they’re appealing. Unfortunately, as soon as you try to apply them consistently, they fall apart. That is an indication of a mistaken worldview. Was the Holocaust meant to be? Is the predominance of women in nursing or therapy or human resources positions due to unfairness against men? Should the impulses of sexual predators be affirmed? Has true love ever just happened… or did young men approach you because they found you attractive, and you sanctioned their advances because you found them interesting and exciting? I would never criticize a person’s appearance or hobbies, especially on a dating app. I won’t even argue with them (what’s the point?). But I have observed a veritable army of young women with these opinions. I can guarantee that no one is pushing back or questioning them. I’m certainly not! This trend of (what I consider) misunderstandings is slightly worrying to me. Of course I could be wrong! But people (women) often don’t seem to be applying these rules consistently. They are believed inasmuch as they validate feelings or desires or prejudices, and then set aside, and the matter is given no more thought. Am I being too hasty?

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Now I will explain the problem as I see it. This is purely based on my own experience and so it could be completely invalid (no-just because beliefs are rooted in your experiences doesn’t mean those beliefs are correct. This is another variety of widely held and comforting world belief I encounter). As I’ve ventured farther down the road of recovery from addiction, my romantic prospects have seemed to dry up. Don’t mistake me-I still have prospects and I’m not unduly worried. There could be other variables too. I’m older, for one thing. I’m also much more honest. This shouldn’t be a drawback if you read any of these ladies’ profiles… but of course it usually is.

But I now have (some) status, and money, and stability. I have all of the things that I thought women wanted (which I didn’t already have, charisma and confidence and physical prowess being boxes that were already mostly checked). However, I’m also much more serene. I meditate by the beach most mornings. I generally spend my time reading or doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu or going to meetings. I stick to my routine and keep to myself. When I was (more) erratic and indebted and criminal I had more romantic success. Could it be that I’m just looking for different things now? Is the world crazy, or am I?

A Different Possibility

I want to suggest a different possibility: the fact that my serenity is apparently making it harder to connect with women might indicate a problem with our culture. It could be that women have only a very general idea of what they want (marriage, kids) and the things they’re actually selecting for don’t yield those things. It’s possible that our culture has hollowed out the notions of marriage and motherhood and left only superficial veneers: weddings, joint bank accounts, vacations, excitement, passion. Just as many women like the idea of financial and political power-for women in general, if not for themselves-but don’t want to exert themselves in particular related areas (when was the last time a woman started a conversation with you about venture capital, or cryptocurrency, or polling data?) women might want the idea of marriage and kids. Perhaps they’re not always putting those foundational (boring) pieces into place to achieve these things. I’ve never been married but I hear similar things from others who have: many women are now preoccupied with entertainment and wealth and status and feeling good. The benefits of loyalty and consistency and serenity are never advertised, except in the shallowest terms (on pop psychology blogs and in deluded self-help therapy videos). The only places I really see loyalty and consistency and serenity praised (by men or women) are mostly religious, these days. And religion is a shrinking island in our society.

Most of the women on Hinge (the dating app I have mostly used) have the things they really need already. They’re college graduates and they make plenty of money and they have friends and hobbies and vacations. They want men for obvious reasons (companionship and provision and children) but they things they’re looking for in dating aren’t necessarily the things that good men will give them. What do they ask for on dating apps? Vacations. Adventures. Laughter. They want distraction and self-indulgence (as indicated by their love of travel) and many of the men that they survey seem boring. They fact that the life they’re ostensibly seeking (dinner dates and marriage and children) will actually be mostly boring is something that perhaps they haven’t reconciled. They are often 35-year-old women waiting to be swept off their feet (as they were at 23) by men who don’t exist. When they meet a new man, and he seems thoughtful and organized, they wait to feel excitement. If they don’t feel that they restlessly move on… not realizing that excitement is simply not a regular feature of healthy late-30’s romance, and that many people take some time and attention to get to know. Women have been badly misled by our culture into believing that college+ grad school + career + house + vacation… and then, perhaps, husband and kids = happiness. I went a different route and lived a very risky life in many ways, but women almost never seem to do that. I think I understand why that is and it’s not a bad thing, but it indicates that women are more likely to conform and follow the crowd, socially. Could it be that an entire generation of women has been misled by friends and dramas and stories and exciting (but ultimately fruitless) youthful romances?

I can’t tell you how many women in their 30’s claim to hate dating apps and want marriage… and then, when confronted with a decent prospect, they pass. This isn’t just my (repeated) experience. It is the experience of probably millions of men at this point. Is it possible that the things that women want are not served by their attitudes and strategies? Is it possible that the life that includes the things they want (marriage and kids and domesticity) seems boring when it first begins to set in… and so they retreat to social media and vacations and Netflix and girlfriends (who will validate their complaints and similarly bemoan the lack of good men)? Could it be that their ideas of love (it will just come if I wait long enough!) were imprinted in their 20’s, when they had a line of suitors waiting, and that belief could be sustained? Women in their mid-30’s generally do not have lines of suitors and if they do they won’t for long. I’m not being mean. I’m simply stating a biological and social fact. If a person wants a good job they can comfort themselves by believing that it will just happen… but it probably won’t. If that is your belief you should change the belief. Believe instead that hard work will yield success and that you should try to stand out and learn new things and pursue what you love and are good at. Those will be useful beliefs and attitudes in finding a job. Our society has prioritized women being educated and employed far more than being married or mothers, and so women know how to find a job. They’re excellent at it (better than men, on the whole). Perhaps some of their beliefs aren’t serving them when it comes to finding a husband. Maybe you can just sit back and wait but I don’t think so. If you want something in life you usually need to go after it. You need to get out in the world and try to discern reality and figure out how to maximize your chances. Strategy is all-important here.

A New Conception of Romantic Love

I enjoyed Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Garden State and Her-quirky and cerebral explorations of romance. I’ve added to those an understanding of the world as a difficult place, but one that rewards sustained effort and virtue and depth. How often are true depth, or virtue, acknowledged these days? Could those qualities be important to romance? If so, how? These are important questions, I think.

Here’s a different vision of romance and love. This is the one that I use:

The world is a difficult and bleak place. Humans are fated to exist here and we must cluster together for safety and comfort. The greatest opportunities for happiness lie in each other, and these connections lie in a much different direction than status or social media likes or popularity. Women use those kinds of signals to compete with each other but they’re bad indicators of true love or attachment. Every individual is unique, and our uniqueness is usually hidden from the world. It requires time and attention to reveal. It’s not music taste or fashion or sense of humor that indicates uniqueness. It’s something different, something secret. It’s something that many women probably have very little connection to, after a lifetime of trying to be liked and respected and desired. Your secret uniqueness is something that can only be revealed through time and trust, and these things are never emphasized in their true forms by our culture.

The greatest blessings of human existence lie in self-sacrifice and deep friendship and love. They are concealed by the muck and silliness of contemporary life, to the point where many people have barely had any pure experience of them. If you’re lucky and patient and kind and wise you might gain access to these gifts: the opportunity to make a principled stand, the satisfaction of true and righteous ambitions, deep friendship, romance, motherhood. The world will keep you running and posting and buying and chatting day after day and year after year, but you will eventually start feeling that your life has been, in some profound way, misspent. To cut through the noise and the distractions, find another person. Choose carefully. Ignore the superficial and lame imperatives that you learned from society. Choose carefully and invest time and care and sincerity and you will reap service and connection and love. Make yourself useful and let yourself be the dream of someone else and you’ll find a different kind of happiness-one that is rarely discussed or acknowledged on streaming services or Instagram.

Or you could keep endlessly dating. And traveling.

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Other pieces about dating:

Hinge App Review

How to Use a Dating App: Lesson 1

How to use a Dating App, Lesson 2

The Insidious Deception of 'The Good Life'